Pesakh Moon

It is the first night of Pesakh
and a full moon angles itself into the eastern window, rising,
promising to peer in for Eliyahu
when we open the door to invite him in,
as I am leading a Seder for two
quickly, the story of the Exodus is too much to bear,
I should be rejoicing my own freedom from bondage but there is nothing to celebrate today,
the chains are still dangling limply from my wrists,
as the first generation, I am a slave in my mind still,
How many generations must pass before my own yetziyat Mitrayim takes hold in my soul?

There is a promise of an eclipse tonight,
the earth passing in between the moon and the sun, shadowing the glowing face I cannot help but liken to my lost lover, and like the arev rahv I am wondering:
“Were there no graves in Egypt that we must die here in the Wilderness?”

I am faithless, the heretical son,
I am mouthing Hebrew and Aramaic and it makes no impression,
I am cut off, as the Talmud says, from my people,
Many times over, my transgressions are paramount both to man and God:

Eternal One, I have poured out my wrath unjustly,
I have cast my chains on another,
Turned her river to blood,
Rained frogs to croak choruses to drive her to insanity,
Infested her heart with insects,
Unleashed a beast upon her,
Passed a pestilence on her pasture,
and laid welts to her flesh,
Hailstones of hatred reigned on her mind,
and unkind locusts swarmed on her fields of mirth,
I plunged her into this thick darkness she stews in,
I have killed her first born love –

I and not a fiery angel,
I and not a ministering angel,
I and certainly not You;
With a loud voice and an outstretched arm,
I did unto her harm.

Because I was hurt,
because I am questioning my worth;
I am wicked and should not have been brought out of Egypt.

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One response to “Pesakh Moon

  1. Oh. This is so painful. And so beautifully done. May you find healing, and she, peace.

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