Once upon a time there lived Turkey; Turkey had the attribute of being a crotchety git. Most of the creatures in the forest thought this was because Turkey was getting on in age, but Fox knew better. Turkey had the kind of constipated look on his face, lips puckered like an asshole straining, that said he was a grumpy gus ever since he was a hatchling, surveying unimpressedly the world he had been born into, believing himself to be above all of Creation.
Seeing the other creatures: Bear, Deer, Beaver, Goose, thriving and frolicking in the forest pissed Turkey off. Turkey, being an ignorant son of a bitch, thought all the other creatures were turkeys too; saw the world in a bichromatic shade of black and white of “with or against me”; and would not be satisfied until he shat on the work of all the “other turkeys.”
Turkey judged the dam Beaver built, saying it was poorly made, constructed from shoddy materials, and that it was stupid for a turkey to build a dam anyway. Turkey woke up Bear from hibernation, calling him a lazy turkey, saying Bear should be more productive; when Bear roared his disapproval at being woken early, Turkey said, “You’re doing it wrong. It’s ‘Gobble, gobble,’ you sorry excuse for a turkey.” Turkey mocked Goose, saying that it was a jive turkey indeed that took to the air – better to stay close to the ground the way turkeys were meant to.